SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I have a suspicious package.

   The average doorknob has more cooties on it than 700,000,000 very dirty anuses.

   I don't smoke, but I think a cigarette holder is pretty classy. Or as I call it, a Slim Jim holder.

   After Pat Sajak confessed to being drunk during Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker admitted he neutered animals during Price Is Right commercials.

   On a scale from 1-10, how much do you like the number 7?

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

   'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   If they changed the title of that movie from "The Artist" to "The Fartist" the odds of me paying to see it would increase dramatically.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   Reporting on your own superheroic activity while in your secret identity as a reporter is an ethics violation, MR. KENT.

   We never had an on-and-off relationship before getting married. Ours was more of an in-and-out-and-in-out thing. People should try that!

   Women are like canoes. Actually they're really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don't understand canoes/women.

   Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.