Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.

   There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.

   Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.

   Sometimes life seems so Popeless.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

   I sure hope my wife passes her kidney stone soon! I'm getting hungry...

   One day I will claim that $37 trillion in US dollars from the bank in Zimbawe I keep getting an email from. . .

   I don't care how hot you are, honey...if I go to "toss the salad" and you didn't clean up right...it's over.

   I don't procrastinate. I just like to have a lot to look forward to.

   Thought for the day: is Taylor Swift's song 'We are never getting back together' actually about her legs ?

   Way to go American Idol judges. Publicly judging Charlie to where he is in tears, and now I'm just waiting for him to go "postal" on A.I. This season is about to heat up.

   Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who's sick of her bulls hit.

   I hate it when auto spell cant approve any of my spellings

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.

   I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.

   it rude to ask a guy if he is Pregnant?