Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.

   okay...so Harlem Shake is not a rich Arab!!!

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   Hugh Hefner would make a great Pope.

   I wanna be with a woman who’s stupid enough to never leave me.

   If I had a mood ring on today, it'd be flashing like a disco ball..!

   Thanks for ruining real honey for all of us, Boo Boo idiots.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.

   I spit on a hotdog before eating it. I think I need to cut back on the por n.

   Silence is only golden when the person you really want to shut up does it.

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself hot girl.

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   Ladies, let me save you your annual Cosmo subscription fee: 1. Let him go out with the boys 2. Sex him up 3. Make him a sandwich Repeat.

   Im not dead I'm just resting my eyes in this shallow ditch.

   Tell her something she’s never heard before…like the truth.

   Then god said: how can I make men act stupid?...then he created women.

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

   My superpower is common decency.