Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...

   I don't care much for tattoos. I prefer to ruin my body the old fashioned way. By weighing 400 lbs. and getting stretch marks that resemble tire tracks.

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...

   I'm not mooing you.. I'm turning the other cheek

   I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

   Asian Kid: "Oww I got stung by a bee!" Asian Dad: "WHY YOU NO GET STUNG BY A!?"

   the more people I meet the more I like my dog

   This year, I think I'd like to visit the 'Smithereens'. Seems like just about everyone gets blown there ツ

   The tragedy of the poor is that they can afford nothing but self-denial.

   If I had a really small dog that took really big poops, I'm pretty sure I would name him Deuce ツ

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   Got fired on my first day as a Male Masseuse.... Apparently, the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

   The Queen just got out of the hospital from a gastroenterits.. I call it : "The Royal Flush"!

   I don't have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I'll be celebrating that tonite.