Funny Status Messages

   Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

   Last night I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

   Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

   Pandas are living proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

   Looks like we're ready for Halloween trick or treaters. Tested the sprinkler system and it's working.

   just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running

   why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

   All I want to do is go to open houses & earnestly whisper to potential buyers “it’s a shame what happened to the previous family.”

   Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

   I quit smoking cold turkey. And I quit drinking cold duck.

   My favorite bible verse is Lunch 12:45

   Instead of "Build Back Better" How about "Put it Back Together" the way it was?!

   I wonder what the airports looked like during the US War of Independence in the 18th century?

   Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He also had a pretty cool winter but his summer wasn't that hot.

   I love these commercials showing caring farmers who are concerned over the way they humanely raise chickens. Only to kill them in the end.

   There's no "I" in "team", but there are two in "failed miserably".

   I tried watching a hockey game last night. I was bored, so I opted for a little more excitement. I switched over to the Fireplace Channel on Netflix.

   Glad to see Halloween is coming and I could finally get rid of some of these fast food condiments.

   The temperature went from 90 to 55, like it saw a state trooper.

   Halloween is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. It's for women and children.