Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cut down my own Christmas tree this year. My neighbor isn't very happy about it because it was in his yard.

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit.

   I have 3 Brazilian Wax Appointments for Tuesday afternoon. Inbox me for time. ❤️

   I’m not wishing anyone a Happy Thanksgiving, I hope your gravy gives you diarrhea.😜

   It's true that when you open a parachute it pulls you back up. One time I accidentally opened a parachute inside my house and it dragged me right up through the ceiling.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite-Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my Will and Testament.

   Ladies, Here is your reminder to put your good yoga pants in the washer so they're ready for Thanksgiving tomorrow

   the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

   Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

   He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

   If you take a family photo on Thanksgiving, make sure you position your girlfriend on the end. That way it's easy to Photoshop her out of the picture if you need to later. - Follow me for more holiday tips.

   The Science is settled: Guns save lives.

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?

   Kyle cleared of all charges, about to exit court room. Judge yells out. "Hey Kid!" Kyle turns around. "You forgot this" tosses him his AR-15. Credits roll. Eye Of The Tiger plays. . .

   Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

   Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done Also I have no idea how tampons work