Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   paul bearer has sadly passed away, the undertaker will be handling the funeral arrangements

   Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.

   gets the feeling that I need coffee more than coffee will ever need me.

   Do you think in China the forklifts are called chopstick lifts?

   Seemed to cruel to get my dog fixed. So instead I got him a really crappy haircut. And now he can't even get a date.

   The people that cheer and high five after their family member gives a dumb answer on Family Feud are better people than me

   FACT: With the exact same amount of $ the government spends to buy the Army an attack helicopter they could buy ME an attack helicopter

   I just got done doing 5 sets of diddly squats.

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?

   PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!

   As a mark of respect for Hugo Chavez who died yesterday, I've had his initials carved on my sink and bath taps

   I'll answer my wife's question after watching this movie; wait, where is my family?

   In some countries, DEATH is nature’s way of limiting presidential terms in office. You wanted to be a president for life, and now your wish is granted Mr Chavez.

   "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston S. Churchill (R.I.H Chavez)

   Happy Birthday Girlfrien. I didn't put the D because you'll get that later.

   I can never decide whether "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is incredibly sweet, or incredibly terrifying

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?

   I remember my first crush... It was orange