Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doctor's have crappy jobs. If they save someone, God gets credit, if they don't they get sued.

   Let government take care of the weak, the strong can take care of themselves.

   My ex called me today. I answered by screaming "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" and hung up. That should make her wonder a little bit...

   When you go back to the scene of the drinking crime, somehow it all looks different in daylight.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Ethopia the next day or something.

   Therapists should just buy a bunch of baby pandas & be like to their patients "Are you depressed? Well here's a baby panda." Problem solved.

   I'm concerned with the fate of our nation, but not "Face the Nation" concerned.

   ok, which one of you ladies gave me your hangover...

   I'm so bored right now, I've actually started paying my bills as a way to entertain myself.

   I like my women how I like my coffee, between my legs as I drive.

   My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.

   Yes, I'm still listening. Now play the damn ad so I can get back to the music.

   A friend said she was going to wash the gray right out of her hair. I said, "I wish I could do that, these days I pretty much just wash the hair out of my hair".

   Airlines have become so cash-strapped, they're also going to charge for emotional baggage.

   One lesson that religion taught me is that it is important to pretend to be a nice person one day a week.

   My w hite workmate was complaining about how his dog is always leaving its hair all over the house, on furniture, bed and on the carpet. I told him I can relate because my girlfriend is always leaving her weave on my carpet, sofa, bed and in my damn car.

   If I were a proctologist,,, I'd walk into every examining room with fake hook-hands, cuz,,,,,,,, well, you know

   After sex I enjoy a big glass of get the fu-ck out of my house.

   In group discussions, chicks with big boobs always seem to say the right things.

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.