Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In-laws are watching the kids tonight. Can't wait to put a load in the dishwasher.

   If you’re gonna use the word ‘horny’, you’d better be attractive. Otherwise, cut that s hit out.

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   When the interviewer asks "Why do you want to work here?" don't answer "you'll find out!" and laugh maniacally

   The amount of time you've spent nagging, you could have blown me AND done the dishes, stupid.

   You claim to have started from the bottom. But you forget to mention you still down there.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   I think KFC should expand their menu to include a 30 piece bucket of original recipe/ extra crispy skin.

   What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   Justin Beiber wants to beat off reporters. Only male reporters, Beiber isn't interested in touching females.

   The way things are going in Washington, it probably won't be long until you'll have to get a permit just to shoot the breeze.

   Tequila makes the world go around...I mean the room, it makes the room go around. :-/

   SEAN PENN is a communist-loving sellout. Why the hell was he crying like a little b itch at HUGO CHAVEZ funeral?

   I love Pope John Paul, George and Ringo.

   Pickup line at Jenny Craigs: my arteries are getting hard just looking at you.

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   You know it's getting bad when you are shopping at wal mart and some little wise eyed kid runs up in front of you and starts yelling stranger danger at the top of her lungs. I was just lucky the lady working in lingerie knew I was there and was helping me