Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   Justin Beiber wants to beat off reporters. Only male reporters, Beiber isn't interested in touching females.

   The way things are going in Washington, it probably won't be long until you'll have to get a permit just to shoot the breeze.

   Tequila makes the world go around...I mean the room, it makes the room go around. :-/

   SEAN PENN is a communist-loving sellout. Why the hell was he crying like a little b itch at HUGO CHAVEZ funeral?

   I love Pope John Paul, George and Ringo.

   Pickup line at Jenny Craigs: my arteries are getting hard just looking at you.

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   You know it's getting bad when you are shopping at wal mart and some little wise eyed kid runs up in front of you and starts yelling stranger danger at the top of her lungs. I was just lucky the lady working in lingerie knew I was there and was helping me

   Even if oil prices go down, I’m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor’s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he’s an a&shole.

   The first rule of relationships: You don’t find out why someone was available until it’s too late.

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling “I LOVE YOU!”

   I see you drivin ’round town with a girl I love, and I’m like, it’s nice that she has alternative transportation.

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you’ll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   what if I just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in my mouth

   .irls Stop editing ya'll pics. what if you go missing? How you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook but you look like a shrek in person.

   BEST WAY TO DIE: Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   It’s ridiculous how so much of your future depends on how successful you are as a teenager.

   "I'm sick of beautiful people who don't have to work for their beauty, when I'm over here sweatin my balls off for all this beauty."

   If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.