Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you watch a porno and think: "Oh, that bed looks comfortable.".

   misses the days of jumping on the hose at the gas station to make the bell ring. Full service was the best.

   Yes It's true , the weekend is over

   I went to the dentist for a cleaning. After he was done I told him my teeth were still yellow. He said I should wear a brown tie then no one would notice.

   I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

   May the beer rise up to meet you and may your bar tab be picked up by someone else, and may the hangover be far from you. Happy St. Paddy's Day!

   TMZ: Lil Wayne alive, six songs deep into new mix tape.

   Guess Lil Wayne actually heard some of his own songs. They do the same thing to me.

   Fact: White girls with cornrows are gonna try to put stuff in your butt.

   My best sex move usually comes in the form of an apology.

   If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.

   The opposite of Viagr a is marriage!

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today because its making me violent.. So we laughed and laughed and than I killed him.

   You without me is like a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp.

   I have two blood pressures. The one I normally have all day, and the one when my wife needs to borrow my phone.

   My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

   Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me

   I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and stuff now.

   Went for a romantic walk in the woods last night. Well, I called it romantic. She called it stalking.