Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.

   Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.

   I'm Mexican, but not "cut your lawn" Mexican. I will, however, steal your job and live with 28 other people.

   Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Unless their shoes are Crocs. Those as sholes can die in a fire.

   White smoke is coming out of my neighbor's house. He either elected a new Pope or he's got some good weed.

   Some people will "LIKE" whatever you post on your wall....and it's probably not because they like or understand it ... but it is because "YOU" posted it.

   Get out of my dreams and into my car. Get out of my car and into my bed. Get out of my bed, and out of my house. I gotta be up early.

   I'll start believing porn story lines as soon as a dog jumps on the bed and licks someone's ass.

   since i'm not having much luck with the ladies, maybe I'll give that Pope gig a try...

   You can tell a lot about a person by the results of their autopsy.

   By the time I've said "Nice to meet you" I've already forgotten your name.

   Which Pope was your favorite going into the combine? ESPN said the Cardinal from Canada runs the 440 in 52.47 seconds and that's with full vestments and a sex abuse scandal dogging him!

   Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

   If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

   Please be rude to your waitstaff because spit and pubes taste delicious when sprinkled on your food.

   "That's not what I meant" - people who meant it that way but realized they're wrong

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.

   Drink like you're not on medication.

   Blood is thicker than water but chocolate is thicker than both of them.