Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

   North if she is desperate for attention..

   Papacy - humans praying to another human.

   I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!

   Just woke up with a face full of rice. Must've fallen asleep the moment my head hit the pilau...!

   Selena Gomez made Justin Bieber cry by telling him Tom cruise is taken by another guy.

   A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked

   Yesterday I had the day off, which means that today I feel more useless than the 'g' in Lasagne.

   Scientists are trying to find new ways to deflect asteroids in case one gets close to hitting Earth. My theory is putting a Cubs uniform on the asteroid would render it incapable of hitting anything.

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.

   facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.

   I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

   After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"

   If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"