Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a woman gives you a pat on the back, you aren't getting any.

   just because you don't like it doesn't mean it is not true.

   Oh certainly! That could well explain thousand innocent lives taken by U̶S̶..North Korea

   Watching hagel's interview: why doesn't any reporter ask him that we are the biggest threat to world peace rather than any other nation?

   whats the difference between love & a sandwich? I'm great at making a sandwich

   If it tastes funny, don't eat it. If it looks funny, call a doctor. If it is funny, it must have been something I said.

   my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks.

   When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.

   Children need a lot of love & understanding but men need even more.

   my favorite recipe calls for 2 cups of bacon, a tablespoon of bacon, and a dash of bacon.

   Watching the women's MAC championship. I'm just going to assume that the bulge in the front of their shorts is just a balled up tube sock.

   The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.

   I need a six month vacation Twice a year.

   more wars have been fought and more peopke killed in the name Of religion (including) the Catholic one than all other reasons combined.

   marijuana is the only medication who may cause good side effect

   I think I am going to print the constitution on a bunch of rolls of toilet paper and send it to the president and his cronies, that way they can truly wipe thier a$$ with it.

   Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

   Friday - again, voted the favorite work day of the week for 156 years straight! You stay classy, Friday!!

   maybe you're suffering from O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder....Ok, now lets do body shots!

   Hello from the depths of loathing and self-pity festering in the sleep-deprived world of yellow cabs and chain-smoking drunken remorse.