Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

   [Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’

   Can't the black folks just use the same ID they showed to get vaccinated to vote?

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   Life is little more than a constant stream of boredom, pain and suffering.

   Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for a lifetime...

   My first official April Fools act was changing all the clocks in the house ahead one hour! Update: prank backfired on me. I never changed the clocks during daylight savings. 🙄

   Things nobody ever said in the 1980s: "I lost my telephone."

   Oh crap. I just realized that I'm ugly naked guy from Friends.

   You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat

   Some girls will be asking questions like...."can you die for me?" As if the death of Jesus Christ was not enough.

   I heard that crooked ship stuck in the Suez Canal has the crooked Biden family's money laundered millions from corrupt business dealings and pay to play schemes on board.

   Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a Pyramid Scheme to me.

   I'm on hold with my bank and the recording says "Did you know you can access our website 24 hours a day?" No, I had no idea. I thought your website went "off the air" at midnight like a 70's TV station...

   I'm at that age where if I hear a strange noise downstairs I'm too lazy to go investigate it and just think "Well I had a good run".

   Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   It is said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What about the other eye?

   Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.

   Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.

   I think we all owe 2019 an apology. It wasn't so bad after all