Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Baby we complete each other. I'm the typo and you're my autocorrect.

   I am terribly sorry about the inspirational p osts. My dealer gave me inspirational weed.

   There is nothing wrong with making the same mistake twice as long as you admit it, apologize and accept that you're stupid.

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   Iran has threatened to sue the filmmakers who made the Academy award winning movie “ARGO,” over their portrayal of Iran in the movie. What's Next? The Irish sue because "SHREK" made them look like Ogres?..... "DONKEY !!!"

   whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack...

   came down with an incredibly bad case of Leprechaunorrhea last year so he is going to behave himself today!!!

   Ladies; don’t get mad when guys stare at your boobs because there is going to be a time in the future when no guy will want to look at your boobs after time has had its way with them and they now look like raisins.

   When a guy catches me naked in bed with his wife I just pretend I'm from the future. And ask for his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle.

   # 19: You are smart and very attractive and a great ..... Ahhh!, who am I kidding? No one invited me to play this stupid game!

   waiter: "what would you like to drink?" me: "тнє вℓσσ∂ σƒ му єηємιєѕ" waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter: "is pepsi okay?"

   Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Cheating is always worse when a woman does it because she has experience turning down sex. When she cheats, it is premeditated cheating; when a guy cheats, it is just cheating.

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.

   Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

   The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   It's perfectly OK to pretend that you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?