Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drink before you speak

   Epidemic: Girls who have really good male best friends, but claims they have no man!

   Women: When it comes to doggie style...men are behind you 100%

   I'm a people person. As long as the people are hot girls...

   Don’t tell a girl who gives bad head she’s good. You’re making her comfortable and ruining it for the rest of us.

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   I’m white but I’m not Betty White.

   it allowed to go to the dentist drunk? Asking for a friend.

   I watch p orn for the interior design ideas!

   I became a scientist so I can discover new STDs and name them after ex girlfriends.

   I love blank papers. They are so innocent.

   I'm white but I'm not "call a radio station to try to win Bon Jovi tickets" white.

   Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs head.

   Sometimes I feel like my heart really doesn't have my best interests at heart.

   Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.

   My co-worker "Pig nose Susan" was in an abusive relationship so I contacted PETA

   my wife thinks she marred a sex therapist cause she keeps saying if I want your f ning advise I will ask you for it

   Every single person on the planet has the reflexes of a superhero if you start scrolling through their photos while holding their phone.

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.