Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be. Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

   My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college. Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

   Just because you haven’t met the right person doesn’t mean that you will.

   Nomadland won the Oscar for Best Picture. Was this an actual movie or a description of movie theaters in 2020?

   Microwave: Here's a piping hot Tupperware of cold food

   [first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

   the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

   It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.

   If you use two or more sugars in your coffee I’m pretty sure you don’t like coffee

   Every family has an old beach towel with a cartoon character on it and nobody knows where it came from

   I can't use public toilets for fear of spending hours trying to break into each toilet roll holder to turn the paper around the "right" way.

   heartaches

   Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

   I've invented a new game called Silent Tennis. It's like regular tennis but without the racquet.

   Reached that age where everything I think happened 2-3 years ago really happened in 2003.

   Ever get a friend request and you're like "Nah, you look like you steal copper."?

   We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

   I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

   Cleaning out the fridge is the most excitement I’ve had in weeks Surprised face, confused, followed by a little gagging

   I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues