Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there are two types of people...don't worry you are not one of them.

   Still haven't answered my life's calling... I've always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.

   Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.

   I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.

   ♫Refract light like a diamond! Refract light like a diamond!♫" - If Rihanna went to science class

   My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.

   The most important sense you have is humor.

   Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha

   I always tell people how fat I am. Then they tell me I'm not and I feel better about myself. - MOST WOMEN

   May I borrow your pen? I promise to return it all chewed up and full of spit.

   I wonder if there is a secret feud between rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.

   Hold your horses there Plex-King. A little moderation if you please.

   God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.

   I always have sex with the front door open, So I can give Jehovas something to witness.

   I don't understand why mothers say, "I just had a newborn baby." If you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 2 month old out your crotch.

   If people winked as much in real life as they do in text, this world would be a really creepy place.

   So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought "This prostitute is lazy".

   Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.