Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jaywalking sounds like a stupid made up crime so I treat it like one. If you think I am walking an extra block to cross the street, you are out of your mind.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first

   his relationship status set to "It's Complicated" simply because he can't decide on which hand to use.

   I love tan lines... it's like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)

   I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright

   I want to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so I would have random animals help me with my housework

   I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drinking enthusiast!

   The United States is the land of freedom. Not free stuff!

   Someday I want to be rich enough where I can do things like accidentally drop my new cell phone into a public toilet and not even consider fishing it out.

   Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.

   People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.

   "Because all men - honey, I tell you aaaallllll men - are created equal." -Hair. And I think some other historical document. But mostly Hair.

   The worst part about make up sex is when your girlfriend walks in and you have her lip stick in your butt.

   This morning I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face....frickin’ neighbor kids and their Sharpies......

   Only because I take things ever so personally, from now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."

   ME: When is "trash day?"............ NEIGHBOR: Umm,,, we don't observe "trash day"

   While "suck my d-ick" is an insult, "lick my p-ussy" sounds more like an invitation.

   I wonder how many times Jesus ran out of the room crying and screaming “You’re not even my real dad, Joseph.”

   It’s a little difficult to worry about starving children in Africa when we still have people in America using flip phones.

   Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.