Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel so blessed that the government protects my family and I from the dangers of gay marriage so we can safely go buy some assault weapons

   It's ironic that you mean "coincidental" when you said "ironic" because, ironically, you dont know the definition of "irony."

   It should be a rule that if you dress up like a sea captain, you get a free dinner at Red Lobster. I'll pay this time, but I'm not happy.

   Alphabet soup is just soup when you can't read

   "Find the Juan for you!" - Mexican dating site

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   Saw a bird poo on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   my voice is girly when I talk to strangers but when i’m with friends I turn into morgan freeman!

   I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   You say alcohol abuse, I say this alcohol is getting exactly what it deserves.

   Whenever something good happens to me, I look at my calendar and circle the day I think I'll ruin it.

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   How can you be a "natural" bodybuilder if you're cramming your body with protein powders, amino acids, and all other kinds of supplements?

   Oh so you wanna loose weight, by eating healthy........then why your healthy food weighs more than the cheap stuff?

   A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I'll catch the next one. She's mad at me now.

   If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. Or refrained from referring to her as “it” so much

   Gangnam Style: Dancing like an overweight Ch!nk getting b0ned up the a$$ by a sumo wrestler while wearing handcuffs that were put on by a ret@rded cop.

   I hate when I forget that I don't like you.

   Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.