Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my ex downgraded and I upgraded.love it

   no weed+no food=no sleep :/

   If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I'm just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

   I am not religious but I am grateful for this easter holiday, in fact I am grateful for any holiday that mean I dont have to go to work.

   HUGH HEFNER - Apparently, having sex with a lot of different women can extend your like. I wonder why I'm not dead yet.

   When you're an Atheist, every Friday is good and nobody has to die.

   The Pope washes and kisses women feet. I think the Pope has just found a discreet way to enjoy his foot fetish without raising any eyebrows.

   Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back."

   A dental assistant is nothing more than a dentist's roadie

   You can never read a doctor's prescription, but you can sure read his bill

   Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one. The crafty little kid.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   Time to start pro-caffeinating before I start procrastinating for the day.

   I'm thinking I've swung back to hating everyone. Phew glad I'm over that selective phase I had there.

   If you don't believe in same sex marrriage, don't marry someone of the same sex! It's simple! As for Gay adoption hurting Children? Since when is it better to be an orphan then to have two mommies? -_-

   When dropping off prescriptions for two people with the same name...make sure the dates of birth are correct. Apparently my 12 year old is on Blood Presure meds now...

   After having sex with a lady the polite thing to say is "It was nice to meat you."

   Prostitutes are buysexual

   Uh Oh...just what we need, a Pope with a Foot Fetish

   Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.... The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.