Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?

   To really intrigue, women must be capable of revenge and cruelty — toward others or themselves.

   Just realized I havn't checked in on my Tamagotchi for 14 years. Wish my wife could be the same way.

   I need to get my life together. I spilled Life cereal all over the counter!

   i was winning egg hunts before I was even born

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner. --daniel tosh

   COPY THIS AS YOUR STATUS AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE RATE YOU. | 1. Perfect | 2. Perfect | 3. Perfect | 4. Perfect | 5. Perfect | 6. Perfect | 7. Perfect | 8. Perfect | 9. Perfect | 10. Perfect | 11. Perfect | 12. Perfect | 13. Perfect | 14. Perfect | 15. Perfect

   I just drank some food color, now I think I'm dyeing inside.

   Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.

   4/04 Day Not Found.

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

   Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

   If you always generalize about women, you're ugly, poor, insecure, or you might have grown up in your mother's basement. At the worst-case scenario, you've got a crap partner.

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five men talked crap about the fifth one whenever he was out of earshot.

   I just had a bad dream. I went to the Facebook log in screen and it asked if I wanted to sign in using my Myspace account.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   Funny how when I see someone from High School I suddenly hve a great job and am trying to stick a key in a car I in the parking lot that I could never afford!

   best part of waking up, is breakfast after a nut.

   How ironic is it, that when Smokey the Bear dies, he wants to be cremated.