Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't another superpower... When I lift my son to let his hand touch the ceiling,, I see it in his eyes.

   Here is one I bet you don't know. If you say the word "gullible" slow enough, it'll sound like "oranges"

   You're from Oslo? Norway!

   Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it's a good morning for a few minutes.

   It's not you...it's my wife.

   I guess North Korea's illustrious leader is too stupid to realize if he launches an attack, North Korea will be wiped from the map.

   We found the Gates of Hell? Why were we looking for those? Doesn't searching for the cure of cancer matter anymore?

   Walking away from a senseless arguments, makes sense to me!

   You believe some dude walked on water but being g ay is unnatural?

   My safe word is "eww."

   When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. No one could imagine why he was my friend.

   I like to draw graffiti on highway overpasses. Things like "clearance 40 feet".

   I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   Fire roasted peanuts are so much better than water or wind roasted peanuts.

   I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.

   Be alert! The world needs more lerts!

   Sometimes you're the windshield and sometime you're the bug!