Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone sees my TV remote control can you tell it I simply want to know if it's safe and happy.

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   You don't just spontaneously end up this drunk at this hour. It takes several years of practice.

   Target: 50 shades of Manatee Gray

   If North Korea attacks, there won't be a war. The counterattack will go down in history as a case of assisted suicide.

   Sitting here watching "Undercover Boss" thinking.. Guy shows up at your job with a camera crew, screws everything up, gets you to reveal secrets about your personal life.. If you can't figure out what's going on, there's no hope left for you..

   Never mind those 2 N.K. subs that are missing, and more than likely are on there way to San Francisco.

   The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.

   WWlll is coming. Get your temple in order. And stop believing the media. All media is responsible for the way you think.

   Everyone needs to understand that the whole world is being played.

   White Castle is down to their last pound of ground beef. That ought to be good for another million burgers.

   Maybe we should just crop dust North Korea with Chronic Smoke! Just calm that whole area down a bit! I'm sure Colorado could support the mission......

   Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."

   I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.

   Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world

   I'm pretty sure the Salvation Army could kick North Korea's a$$...

   Hey North Korea. Do you even lift bro?

   Four things that can never be recovered: the stone after it’s thrown, the word after it’s spoken, the occasion after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.

   WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.

   Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.