Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What doesn't kill you get arrested and most likely post bail.

   Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

   I'm happily married. - People who are new to Facebook.

   I just watched a tampon commercial for 8 minutes before I realized it was an episode of Sex and the City.

   Please leave your ego at the door so other people can wipe their feet on it before entering.

   Screvving with a rubber is like eating steak with a balloon on your tongue.

   The hardest thing you can hit people with is the truth.

   Love is never having to use a c ondom.

   You don't actually pay a h00ker to sleep with you, you pay her to leave.

   after I eat really bad I always eat a salad to make it seem like I'm being healthy

   if you update your profile pic to one that's 2-3 years old without acknowledging its age, I will comment about how much thinner you were back then...

   What the world doesn't realise is that North Korea is not only threatening USA but the world at large. Nuclear weapons contaminate the whole world.

   The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

   I just tried on a pair of skinny jeans and accidentally got my balls caught in the zipper and now I know the words to every Bruno Mars song....

   If you plant a block of Ramen noodles in the ground and water it with Bud Lite it will grow into a college student named Todd who loves MMA...

   Women are like roads. They will take you to new places, they have beautiful curves, and I'm probably going to drive my car onto one soon.

   We put a man on the moon, but we don't have roll down windows in the back of minivans yet??

   I may not be perfect, but Jesus thinks I'm to die for.

   I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women

   If you've ever said "Haters gonna hate", you can go ahead and add me to that list.