Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   THE WORST: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them!

   I hope the Finding Nemo sequel Finding Dory involves child protective services because this is getting ridiculous.

   Haha! Some guy told me he doesn’t go down on his girlfriend and she doesn’t complain. I told him it’s because someone else does.

   If you get carried away, just promise to take me with you.

   My girl's father got mad at me, for writing my name in piss on the side of his house. I said "what about your daughter sir, it was her handwriting"

   Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I'm going to assume that's your smart car parked outside.

   I hate it when someone gives me a really fake smile. Especially when I've gone to the trouble of making my fake smile seem so genuine.

   Booze is just Febreze for the soul

   I don't need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.

   No one realizes when someone says, "The last thing I wanna do is hurt you," that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

   You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day?

   if a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?

   Ladies don't worry, she will never be you...and when he realizes this, don't take him back because he probably has herpes.

   I buy cheap booze and expensive toilet paper because my liver doesn't care but my ass does.

   I'm not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.

   The Bible says h*mosexuality is wrong. I forget the exact chapter. But it’s there somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

   North Korea is the snotty kid that no one liked and China is the babysitter that let him do what he wanted so she could fu*k her boyfriend.