Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about the damn Kardashians.

   Diamonds are women's best friends. Little shiny rocks are their best friends. This is the kind of crazy men have to deal with.

   We don't need "another" Immigration Bill. We need to enforce the law of the land and send them HOME.... Since when it is become fashionable to REWARD people for breaking the law????

   NO AMNESTY!!!. Real Americans don't want it!!

   If you preach hatred to your children,you can expect never ending bloodshed.

   I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

   I am about to drop some dark matter in the camode.

   Someone should really tell the ACM's it's COUNTRY MUSIC! Sad.

   The only appointments I'm ever on time for are disappointments.

   Kim Kardashian looks like a pregnant drag queen.

   Let's send Kim Kardashian to N. Korea!!

   I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

   To be a diplomat assigned to north korea, you had to be on someone's naughty list

   To Fatty, go ahead and pull the trigger or shut up.

   Phone case designs are the perfect way of measuring someone's maturity level.

   Justin Bieber's music is actually really good!...Once you turn the volume down all the way.

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day? A: the bat phone, duh

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   THE WORST: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them!