Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.

   Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.

   Lucy on facebook gets 107 likes when she posts "I can't sleep" I post a blow job joke and my aunt threatens to tell my mom. Facebook works in mysterious ways!

   A woman calling you "bro" is a pretty clear sign that it's time to put your pen*s back in your pants.

   Will tell jokes for Bitcoins!

   Got some stain remover that takes out grass, urine, sweat, coffee, and lipstick stains. Sounds like quite an evening.

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.

   You can tell its getting warmer out. The first mullets of spring have appeared.

   To this day the clown in Poltergeist creeps me out

   As long as it comes with great packaging, there's nothing wrong with inner beauty.

   Companies and money-hungry capitalists are ruining Facebook with their advertising and snooping.

   Dear Syria, Hope you are regretting not to be in limelight thesedays-N.Korea

   Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

   Chemists do it on the table...periodically.

   My girlfriend says she plans to have sex tonight. I sure hope I'm invited.

   You say you don't need to drink to have fun. All I'm hearing is designated driver.

   Our kids are losing their imagination....hopefully soon they will have an app for that!!

   I can tell a lot about a person by the way they tell a lot about themselves.