sean Funny Status Messages

   If you're going to carry on a cellphone conversation in the men's room you can count on me to make HORRIBLE noises and flush every two seconds.

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   Just came from the doctor. Got high score on the blood pressure machine. Doctor wouldn't high five me. Jerk.

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..

   When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."

   My wife doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why she drank all that bleach.

   Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner Me: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room.

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   I can honestly say that I have never fake laughed as hard as any member of the America's Funniest Home Videos audience.

   A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes

   Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012

   Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.