Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   Heard someone died from eating a meal that wasn't Instagrammed.

   If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is me checking out her ass.

   Ladies; loving your husband comes down to 2 simple points. 1. Accept his flaws. 2. Point them out when losing any argument.

   Boy, they don't like when you go up for seconds at church.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   You haven't experienced awkwardness and felt like a complete idiot until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

   I try to avoid nice people so they can stay that way.

   Maybe instead of running your mouth you should try jogging a few miles to sweat that hatred out.

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   I'll call you ‘mate' because saying your name would be a little bit gay - British men

   Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today.

   I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.

   When a grammar Nazi gets sad and lonely, give them a hug and say, "There, their, they're."

   I told my girlfriend that I would accompany her on her shopping trip to the mall. I have packed enough food and water to survive for three days.

   I don't trust Penguins. I know you can fly!

   What's that word to describe the aching sadness of missing someone you've never met? Oh yeah, INSANITY.

   I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.