Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I am hosting a pool party at my neighbors' house and they come home early from their vacation.

   A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.

   If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.

   On Friday nights I visit a club so exclusive nobody else knows it exists. It looks bizarrely like my living room & needs new cleaning staff.

   Fellas; Sometimes women say they're fine because they know that's all you really want to hear.

   I'd rather shave my crotch with an AIDS infested razor I got from a hobo than befriend your dog on Facebook.

   I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.

   There would be peace throughout the world if they gave away free chocolate with every tampon purchase.

   I go to the gym once a week, but I don't have to go inside. I get all my exercise walking to the ice cream shop next door.

   You're never more beautiful than when you're looking up at me with my co*k in your mouth.

   My relationship with pizza is the only relationship that has never failed me.

   It is my god given right to butcher song lyrics at the top of my poor vocal range if I want dammit!!

   According to the smell emanating from the family room, tuna was a bad thing to feed a dog.

   Who's d*ck do I have to suck to get my d*ck sucked around here?

   Money can't buy happiness? Yes it can but you'll never know because you're stupid and poor.

   The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.

   I just learned the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million..... How long did someone have to stay awake to figure that out?

   I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

   Welcome to the slurring portion of my evening. Please refrain from any direct eye contact.

   for my money, the greatest medical miracle of the past 40 years is fake titties!!