Funny Status Messages

   The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

   n't it odd that people will fight for toilet paper but not for their freedom?

   When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

   A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item because he needs it. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn't need just because it's on sale.

   I'll bet the people who voted for Joe Biden are turning over in their graves right now.

   When you clean your vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?

   Can anybody cover my shift tonight? ~ Santa Claus

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   I should know better than to swear at the TV. It's the microwave that's listening.

   This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

   Failed Pickup Lines: “Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

   This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

   ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

   I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

   Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

   2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

   Tiger Kings, Joe Exotic will never sing Christmas songs cause he hates carols.

   Ladies, if you can't handle me when I'm broke, you don't deserve me when I get my monthly check of $600.

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   At the bar last night, some woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note, I suck at Darts.