Funny Status Messages

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   Did you know Adam & Eve had the 1st computer? ...it was an Apple with 1 byte

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.

   Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs

   Why do eggs come in a flimsy styrofoam containers but batteries come in a heavy plastic case you need a chainsaw to open?

   When I'm bored I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   I always wondered what it was that he wouldn't do for love, and now we know: he wouldn't get vaccinated.

   It's a good day in heaven, Betty White gets to have some Meatloaf.

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   I'm going to honor Meatloaf by leaving work like a bat out of hell today

   We lost Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson today. They say celebrity deaths always happen in threes. Let's hope we don't have a third one. Hey, two out of three ain't bad, right?

   There was a break-in at the local Apple Store. Police are looking for iWitnesses.

   I once shot a man in Reno with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   Singer Meat Loaf has died. He will be cremated at 375° for 1 hour. His ashes will be mixed with mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.

   Apparently referring to a Menage at Trois as a 2 for 1 snack pack will get your Christian Mingle profile deleted

   Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.

   Never allow making a living to become such an obsession to where it prevents you from actually living.

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.