Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

   In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby

   My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

   I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish

   Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.

   My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

   Don't judge a woman by pounds and she won't judge you by inches.

   If Uranus had a country called Europe, you'd be European from Uranus.

   The Rudy Giuliani Song: If you like subpoena coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine....

   Glad to see no horses kneeled for the national anthem during the kentucky derby

   Protestants. Some man didn't like God's version of Christianity (Catholicism), so they decided to fix what God got wrong.

   I'm donating my body to science... fiction.

   One of the stars of Borat 2 is under investigation for possible criminal activity at the direction of a Home Alone 2 cast member.

   My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

   A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

   why is it called hoarding and not stock home syndrome?

   To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

   I don’t need the body of a 20 yr old. I would take their bladder though.

   I always wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the lyrics...

   The police came by to tell me that my dogs have been chasing people on bicycles. I said, “My dogs don’t even own bicycles!”