Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   I am a kleptomaniac, and when it gets really bad I take something for it.

   A fun thing to do during an argument is bring up every irrelevant detail from past arguments until you win & die alone.

   JAB, I'd start a conversation with one of you, but it's easier to sit here and ignore you. . .

   "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   Hey Budyy...."yeah you who is reading this"......Are you still waiting for something funnny? Give me a sec, I'm getting a BJ.....

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"

   I don't get why people find drunk texts annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly.

   I received one of those posts that says your porn name is the color of your underwear and whatever is immediately to your right.... so my porn name is Yellow Chinese Guy.

   I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?

   I just found out the big difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

   I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   Some people only have two senses, Bourbon and revenge.

   The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking.

   Beggars should be abolished. It annoys one to give to them, and it annoys one not to give to them.

   If I was Ivanovic I'd get a Rabies injection, best to be on the safe side

   I would love nothing more than to see the Heat to lose in the first round.