Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 4 interactions I've had with human beings today, plus the one after that.

   Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight!

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.

   I hate when someone sends me a text and puts LOL at the end. I'll decide if I'm gonna laugh or not.

   Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   My girl cant have guy friends, Cuz guys are animals. "Ashley, you got something on your mouth. Let me wipe it off with my di*k."

   So when you spot violence, or bigotry, intolerance …. You described ‘arrogance’ - rich’s Power Addiction -’ and ‘poverty’ – the poor’s Fight for Survival - !

   You can't make us laugh with your Boston Marathon status so please stop trying and move on!

   So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

   How do you get high on life? That would save me a ton of money on street drugs. Answer: intelligence, 'independency', and a good luck accompanying with lots of money!

   Someone who went to school and got a degree in graphic design put time and effort into designing the butterfly design on my toilet paper

   "I like when the girl makes the first move" - Wussy

   How do you get high on life? That would save me a ton of money on street drugs.

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

   I've used my wife's conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

   You say "guy friend" but what I really am is a very patient, milquetoast, khakis wearing dude hoping to catch you at your most horniest.

   do siamese twins call their colons a "semicolon"?

   Some people think it's them against the world, when actually, it's usually them against themselves.