Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed, Not my fault they don't have Windows...

   When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.

   Ever seen a chick so fine you swear that she must be a retard coz it wouldnt be fair for her to be that fine AND smart too?

   At least Mexicans make good immigrants and don't bomb nobody.

   So when do we invade Chechnya?

   If you workout at the gym, but don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptise a cat.

   been a rough week for america...derik jeter is hurt,victor cruz wont sign a deal and psy has a new hit record...how can this get any worse?

   Now who is running a MARATHON?

   We would all be so lost in this world if it wasnt for our great friends on Facebook who constantly provide us with news updates...

   FYI - All backpacks are suspicious. Carry your $hit in your hands...

   And there are some that say I don't need an AR-15 and 30 round mags. Yeah right....

   If I lose a hand, accident or not,, I'd replace it with a prosthetic gavel. Just so you can see that I'm judging you, and for garlic competitions.

   Sometimes I feel like babies only wanna hang out with you so they have someone to scream at...

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

   Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.

   When picking a song to represent your relationship, go for something obscure in case you ever break up. Mine is the National Anthem of Peru.

   Speed remake idea: In this version you can't EXCEED 30mph, Keanu is an old Asian lady, the bus is the car ahead of me, and it's not a movie.

   Life is uncertain which is why every morning, before I leave for work, I hug my kids and whisper "avenge me.."