Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I order the Country ham omelet. It was disgusting to say the least. I asked where they get it. She goes, "Yemen."

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.

   Three favorite days of a boat owner: 1) The day he buys his boat 2) The day he sells his boat 3) The day a bomber is cornered in his boat.

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   my buddies and I have an agreement when it comes to women. We agree they're all crazy...

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   The gentleman in me says, "Let it go." But the animal in me says, "Sh*t in her shoes."

   Whoever let women in the army, I salute you. Women on their period, with a gun... Unstoppable!

   Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."

   There's a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email.

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.

   God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.

   God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.

   And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."

   I don't understand why g@y guys won't sleep with women. I mean they have butt-holes too.

   Ugh my girlfriend is taking forever to exist!