Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to make a woman go mmmmmmm all nite long? …………………….. with Duct Tape

   Could I please get the name of the girl who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being.

   The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.

   When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law.

   There has been a surge in patriotism. These terrorists haven't learned a damn thing. They just don't get it. If they piss off Americans (as they have) our love of country and eventually our wrath will be nothing but awesome.

   Heard about the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.

   I feel like I have my cranky pants pulled all the way up to my armpits!

   Spring has sprung!! How do I know you may ask??? Well I am seeing more and more muffin tops the mandals are back and socks with crocs are on the rise!!!

   My brain during the day: I need a nap.... My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here & allowed us to sustain human life....

   Terrorists: 3 Industrial Accident: 15... sorry terrorists, but you lost this round.

   Chicago police say Crime is at an all time low today, When asked why they responded with "we think it has to do with the extensive flooding, how many blakc ppl do you know that can swim'?

   The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything.

   Nice try, New Testament. The only things that can die and come back to life are zombies and Robert Downey’s acting career.

   Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.

   Stupid mornings with their stupid Sun and stupid fresh air and stupid innocent laughter of schoolchildren.

   about as useful as a dollar store pregnancy test........but I'm trying to stay positive about it...

   I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm just waiting for you to talk to me first.

   I have no adult supervision today and there is a peanut butter pie in the fridge...this will not end well.

   Spell check is for the week.