Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm bored I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   I always wondered what it was that he wouldn't do for love, and now we know: he wouldn't get vaccinated.

   It's a good day in heaven, Betty White gets to have some Meatloaf.

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   I'm going to honor Meatloaf by leaving work like a bat out of hell today

   We lost Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson today. They say celebrity deaths always happen in threes. Let's hope we don't have a third one. Hey, two out of three ain't bad, right?

   There was a break-in at the local Apple Store. Police are looking for iWitnesses.

   I once shot a man in Reno with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   Singer Meat Loaf has died. He will be cremated at 375° for 1 hour. His ashes will be mixed with mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.

   Apparently referring to a Menage at Trois as a 2 for 1 snack pack will get your Christian Mingle profile deleted

   Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.

   Never allow making a living to become such an obsession to where it prevents you from actually living.

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.

   I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

   Female NFL Referee: [Drops Penalty Flag]. Player: What did I do? Female NFL Referee: You know what you did.

   I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.

   I got flipped off three times by the same woman today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   In the new woke version, The Terminator is a woman. Her line is, "I should be back but I don't know, I'll see how my day goes."