Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me”. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by sleepy Joe.. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include inflation, it’s $900

   Did my own taxes. I'm getting $750,000,000. Might be looking for a place in Mexico.

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...

   The death of Meat Loaf drew way more attention than the death of Louie Anderson. Today's society even plays favorites with fat guys.

   Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

   I’m sorry our dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their darn kids out of my yard.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

   I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

   Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh….......

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   Did you know Adam & Eve had the 1st computer? ...it was an Apple with 1 byte

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.

   Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs

   Why do eggs come in a flimsy styrofoam containers but batteries come in a heavy plastic case you need a chainsaw to open?