Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love my wife so much that I use c ondom with other girls.

   It’s amazing how much a woman can accomplish without even putting her purse down.

   One night stand from 6 years ago just looked me up on facebook & wants to know "whats new?" How do I respond guys?

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   i must be old school, I prefer 720p to 1080p.

   New Pick-Up Line for Guys: "Let's watch Scandal together."

   I watch Grey's Anatomy every week. I am now a qualified surgeon. Please PM me for an appointment.

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

   I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I see, ugly is the new hot!

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Next time your at McDonald’s, point at the menu & say you’ll have a McSpaghetti w/ garlic bread. The look on cashiers face will be priceless

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.

   don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines!!