Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't be the only person who has trouble pronouncing the words on the eye chart.

   I'm not a ra*cist,,,,ra*cism is a crime and crime is only for blacks.

   The best part about babysitting the grandkids..... Being able to drink on the job!!

   does this hybrid make me look gay??

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?

   It was so cute when you called me last night... LOL JK, don`t you ever interrupt my sleep again.

   Too many Hood guys not enough Good guys.

   I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..

   I'm not anti-religion, I'm pro-reality.

   We as a species want what we can't have and ignore the really great things sitting right in front of us I'm massaging my nipples right now!

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   David Beckham is retiring at the end of this season. Girls everywhere are shocked with this news, saying "Wait, he was a footballer?!"

   I become the Usain Bolt of eating every time I'm sharing pizza.

   If I were the judge at the Samsung & Apple trial I'd say "Let's be honest, both of you stole these ideas from Nokia" & we'd have a laugh.

   The more you cry, the less you have to pee.