Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If slow-walkers only knew the pain of the fast-walkers trapped behind them, they may just speed it up a little.

   So if I steal "free" wifi from the local church near my house, does that mean god is sending me a signal?

   If a fireman's job can go up in smoke, and a plumbers job can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?!

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,

   People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Noah was the size of a cat

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   "Great, another three-day work week. FML!" ~ My Liver.

   If you want a woman for sex, just tell her. Don’t lead her on. It’s impolite to toy with a woman’s emotions.

   I read that they are allowing Boy Scouts to be gay.... I thought it had always been mandatory that they were gay?

   Ladies, “how was your day?” is a rhetorical question. You don’t really have to answer it.

   I always get to work late. And since my boss is female, I naturally assume she doesn’t like men who come early.

   I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I'm impecunious.

   Ann summers are launching its first range of underwear aimed specifically at the welsh market. The whole range is made entirely from pure wool

   If Kim Kardashian gains any more weight she’ll become the world’s 8th continent.

   For such an advanced civilization, how the hell have we not found a way to stop cigarettes from making you smell like a dragon’s f art?

   I don't trust gorgeous women who are broke.

   I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   All I said was Don't spill the bong water. Thanks a lot Amanda guess who's buying me a new Bong Bit€h!

   The hottest club in town is the one with the least amount of Beliebers inside