Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

   This morning, I got robbed in the shower by some soap scum.

   If two people in wheelchairs are having a conversation, is it considered mobile to mobile?

   I'm looking forward to looking back on this month.

   Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.

   Drank way too much beer last night. Didn't leave any for this morning.

   woke up this morning with a serious case of sexyback.

   Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you

   I asked a question and this kid said "GOOGLE IT".....You and this Dammmm Google everything Generation!....If the power was to ever cut off, we are so in trouble!

   Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -

   All these people sending prayers to OK. I feel so silly. I only sent money and donated blood.

   Stay in drugs, eat your school, and don't do vegetables

   Hello Miss I shave my eyebrows off and draw them back on about an inch to high !!!! Yeah that looks good if your going for the shocked look!!!!

   Ya know, "American Pie" ruined it for any kid who really did have an amazing story about band camp.

   If you die and wake up in hell, at least you know you did earth right!

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut

   My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.