Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don’t drink and drive. Last night I put my hand out of the car to indicate I was turning right and some moron pulled the the bottle out of my hand!

   To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription

   I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"

   If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.

   The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?

   I wonder if guys who masturbate to feet, ever get off on the wrong foot..... ba-dum ching (Don't get up, I'll let myself out.)

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.

   For all you Xbox fans I guess you won't be getting a game console this year but more like a voice and gesture based TV remote box.

   If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.

   Toys R Us sells toys. Bikes R Us sells bikes. Imagine my disappointment when I went next door to Babies R Us

   Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"