Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it still considered a fart if there's debris?

   Ours was love at first fight.

   Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?

   Your whoroscope says you're gonna get "the herpes"

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   Don't tell me about struggle! I have to eat my M&M'S without peanuts.

   Why is it whenever I open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   Lil wayne looks like a monkey that went into a Tattoo parlor ate the folders of pictures of tattoos and then shat ir out

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   If your girlfriend doesn’t like that bi&ch, you don’t talk to that bi&ch.

   I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together.

   It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.

   That moment when you realize you can’t ignore someones message on Facebook anymore because it shows that you’ve read it.

   he original Nintendo is proof that better graphics doesn’t mean a better game.

   I believe success,, is making it in and out of a public restroom without touching anything.

   A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

   I wonder how many Canadian marriages resulted from not knowing how to end the conversation due to extreme politeness.

   I am so lazy that I legitimately get angry when I have to change from the alphabet to numbers to symbol keyboards when typing a tweet