sean Funny Status Messages

   I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

   Pro tip; If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap.

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.

   Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out

   There's a new #Aerosmith album coming out, so call your grandma she'll be excited.