lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account

   God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   The sole purpose of a child's middle name is to know when they're in big trouble.

   ..because Chinese New Year and Valentines Day fall on the same day this year,i think i'll celebrate both with a takeaway! How romantic. Lol.

   Thanks to modern medicine, people can be sexually active long past the age when anyone wants to see them naked.

   I'm not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows

   All you need is love. And Valentines Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.

   When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz.

   I played a country music song backwards. I got my truck back,my house back,my dog back..

   Love may not make the world spin around but it certainly makes alot of people dizzy.

   I taught my dog to beg today. He came back with £12.75.

   If I didn't use the bus,i would never have a man opening a door for me.

   Farmville? Meh..just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"..

   February. It's not a leap year, but feel free to take a flying one anyway.