SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.

   Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you weirdo.

   Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes

   Anyone who thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever has obviously never left Pizza Rolls in too long.

   Jimmy cracked cocaine, and suddenly everyone cared.

   Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.

   The death rattle is an unsettling noise. Not "Macy Gray" scary, but still...

   Just imagine how much play Red Box would get if it were pink.

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   I've been a fan of Ron Paul since his voiceover work for Smucker's in the early '80s.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   The next person to cough near me is getting a spork to their eyeball.

   Anti-Birth Control Christians should remember that when G0d said 'Be fruitful & multiply' there were only 2 ppl on Earth.

   Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.

   Fear? I grew up in a time when the Russians wanted to nuke us and the Stray Cats wanted to rock our towns inside out.

   I've yet to see a picture of an Occupy Wall Street protest that didn't make me say, "Hey, that's the guy who delivers my pizza."

   Advertising has taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   So far today I have gotten out of bed, washed and dressed myself and left the house. That's it. Must try harder.

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.