Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry I accurately called you a slut

   Loneliness is holding paper warm from the printer close because it's what you remember hugs felt like.

   I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible

   Sorry that after your wife said "I do" at your wedding I shouted out "BUTT STUFF"

   So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?

   The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a coworker with a runny nose.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE BEN''S GIRLFRIEND"

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   Yes if a bunch of horny and thirsty guys on the internet called you hot then it must be so true.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   I'll have plenty of time to be tolerant when I'm dead.

   I'm just a boy, looking at a girl. Ohh look, she has nachos. I'm just a boy, looking at nachos

   Interviewer: Any questions you’d like to ask us? Me: What level of candy crush are you on?

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.