Aaron Funny Status Messages

   People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."

   "I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

   "That's what." -She

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.

   I've been voted Most Likely.

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   I get offended when others talk while I'm interrupting.

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".

   If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.

   Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   I'm only going to waste 23 hours tomorrow.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.

   My toilet swallows so many loads that I purchased a wig to go over the tank.