Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sippin' Grillin' Chillin'... MERICA

   I look forward to the day when we glorify peace rather than war.

   Doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle -- N. Schwarzkopf

   Well this whole grown up thing has been fun but I have to go now...

   I wish a girl with fake eyebrows would argue with me, I would lick my Thumb so Fast!

   Guys in relationships would probably be happier if their girls would try blowing them more instead of everything out of proportion.

   M uslims killing M uslims is a NO NO in I slam. But killing anybody else who is not a M uslim is perfectly fine.

   Humble Pie is my least favourite kind of Pie.

   Theres always is that one plastic cup or Tupperware dish that flips upside in the dishwasher...

   Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?

   should I paint my nails light pink or nude? - Kim Kardashian

   I'm here for my ballet lessons, so move over because I look damn good in a tutu

   You know there comes a point where you should say NO while watching a reality show of a couple in Alaska digging a deep hole by hand in frozen ground for an outhouse because the other one has a frozen poopsicle in it. What is wrong with me?

   There are two different kind of people in the world, "born" ones and "made" ones.

   Taking back your EX is like buying your shi$ back from your own garage sale..

   If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with..I shouldn't be telling you this..

   How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?

   You can tell its a Sunday when Facebook erupts in regret.

   When they say "all expenses paid," does that include bail?