Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't reply to your text because I never got it. I also didn't like some of the things it said.

   Don't pray too much; God might recognize it as spam. :)

   Drinking at a bar last night so I took a bus home. That might not seem like a big deal to you, but i've never driven a bus before!

   I want to admit my mistakes, but people might think that I'm an idiot.

   I want to admit my mistakes, but people might think that I'm and idiot.

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   Open an ice cream shop and name your flavors things like: "don't be sad","he's not worth it","you deserve better".

   Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

   Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment...

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward.

   Walk up in the club like "what's the wifi password here?"

   How about that shocking Game of Thrones ending last night?

   I feel like every episode of Cops was filmed in June of 1993.

   Office crime is real people! I was just held up at PowerPoint.

   Instead of wanting more, be happy with what you've got. Except you tiny p en*s guy, you should probably master oral.

   If we all became nudists there would be no laundry.

   It's smart how Freddy Krueger never attacked a community college. He knew he couldn't hurt or kill people whose dreams have already died.

   Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.

   According to the BMI chart I am too short.

   HD p orn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.