Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys

   She divorced you because you didnde F**k her hard enough

   Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person's life takes serious commitment.

   If you have a crime in mind, today's the day to do it...Happy national donut day!

   Guarantee yourself a great day, by leaving me the hell alone.

   God talked to J ews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.

   Dilemma: The person next to you needs the heimlich maneuver but you have an erection

   Dear people who keep referring back to the good old days, why don't you stop using toilet paper and revert back to leaves so we can know your days were all that

   I used to think the first line in the Australian national anthem was "Australians all eat ostriches" but then realised, it would make more sense if it was emus

   Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming

   Whenever I want a Klondike bar I just pay for it

   When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.

   Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat

   Wanted GF. A girl with good cooking skills and a jet ski, please show pic of jet ski.

   We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.

   We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.

   I’ll be eating a dozen donuts throughout today to celebrate the National Donut Day, or as I call it, “every other day”