Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you a man who feels confident about his opinions? Has a high self-esteem? Well I think it's time to get you a woman.

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.

   If Iron Man and Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.

   Dear spelling and grammer Nazis I'm righting this hear to distroy your intire day. May korekting this update be the only thing you thinc of the hole weakend. Sinsyearly, Me

   Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.

   I stepped in a big pile of Obama at the dog park this morning.

   Obama says Bashar crossed the "red line" after using chemical weapons. So it's ok to kill thousands but don't you dare use chemical weapons.

   I get it, you're an a$$hole. You don't have to keep proving it to me.

   Mistakes are very fond of me.

   Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)

   Do not overly trust journalists coz they are more concerned with selling newspapers than telling the truth.

   … you might be gay if you bend over and see 4 balls

   Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He's going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   I hate when people asks me: What happened to the sweet old you? Well B**chhhes like you killed it!!

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid,, and flipped hamburgers,, and talked to purple blobby things.