Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... So that I can find a better girlfriend!

   I'm not naive enough to count out the Miami Cheat...but I loved every second of that game last night. Especially the look of utter disgust on Eric Spoesltra's face near the end of the game.

   The level of patience I have with stupid people is actually pretty remarkable...

   How do they even grow boneless chicken's?

   It's socially acceptable to live in somebody else's basement, but weird if you live in your own.

   Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot,,,,,, This needs to be a bumper sticker.

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, so are we dating yet??!

   When I come to that fork in the road, I use it to eat my cake.

   've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days

   My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.

   So now like 30% of our national security database is cat pictures, right?

   Every time someone walks by my desk I make sure to have the Hooters website up just so no one thinks I'm a nerd doing work.

   "Oh, scientific method!" ~ things atheists cry out during sex

   Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.

   Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

   for the question "Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair? The answer is no. They use static electricity from the carpet.

   I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.

   Dudes,,, If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,,,, talk in your sleep

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van