Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your name is Kristen, Kirsten or Kristin, your little game of madness is over. You're all Bob now. Understood? No more of this nonsense.

   So this guy is all like: ''Do you know the gravity of the situation?'' And I'm like: 9.81 m/s2?

   There comes a time in your life where nothing gets you excited anymore. I've had this feeling for like 5 years now.

   I keep trying to find love on all the wrong websites.

   You are never really free until your heart says you are. JK, it's when the handcuffs come off and the cop gives your belongings back.

   They see me T R O L L I N G...

   I need to meet new people to ignore.

   My friend just broke up with his woman. I really helped him through the break up by letting him know she's no good in bed anyway.

   If you invite me to a party please make sure to have a cat or dog present so I have someone to hang out with.

   Me: I'm so over her. Vodka: No you're not, you should text her. Me: Really? Vodka: Hell yes! 25 times.

   Madonna is 55, her boyfriend is 22. J-Lo is 46 her man is 26. So if you’re single now, don’t worry, you’re probably a paed0phile.

   Must be hard to raise a boy to respect women in a world with so many twerking women.

   My navel ring is older than some of my Facebook Friends.

   I'm a high risk for stroke because I live alone, and I have no pants on.

   I am one chin away from my goal weight.

   The early bird needs a punch in the throat.

   Single guys; your married friends will buy your lunch just to hear sex stories. Do like I do and just make them up…

   Im using internet explorer so I hope this isnt too late. Happy new year 2009

   I don't cuddle,,,,,,,but I'll hold you tight while I'm F*cking You!!

   I switched to Herbal Essence shampoo and sadly discovered that I do not have a G-Spot on top of my head like those women in the commercial.