Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid-air I would probably eat it.

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

   Remember to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, as well as thanking him for not wiping you up in a tissue.

   During this very personal moment in thier lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honor their request for extra publicity...

   Dear God, Happy Father's Day.

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

   Kim Kardashian has given birth. No news on how big the litter.

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those

   Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious

   Happy fathers day to the real dads out there....not you sperm donors

   My suicide note will probably just be my phone left unlocked

   You can not argue with a drunk woman, and you can not argue with a sober woman....Figure that one out guys.

   When God created marriage, man said "cool, steady poon" and God replied "right...the yoke's on you..."

   Thumbs-Up for PS4 and Thumbs-down for XBOX ONE.

   For Father's Day, I just want to wear my Crocs and Ed Hardy shirt and still be loved.

   I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...

   Chill, single moms. You don't see us single dads celebrating mother's day!

   Ladies, if you are not that good an artist on paper, what makes you think you are a good artists on your eyebrows? Stop domestic violence against eyebrows!!