Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only your liver could talk... the stories it could tell. That's why I keep it liquored up, so it will stay quiet.

   imagine if everytime you yawned .. a ghost was putting his pecker in yer mouth ..

   "Knock knock", "who's there?", "Weekend", "Weekend who?", "We can wish it was the weekend, but its MOnday!"

   Dear Kanye; if you really are Yeezus, raise your album out of my recycle bin.

   When people tell me knock knock jokes I pretend I'm not home.

   I don't even drink my first cup of coffee every day, I just pour it over my head like a football coach so everyone knows I'm here to win.

   Dear God, I could have wished a happy Father's day but decided against it considering how an absent, unaring and neglecting dead-beat dad you have been. I bet Kanye West would make a better father than you.

   As it turns out, most people don't even notice when I'm withholding sex from them.

   I don't drink, so you people don't get any better looking as the night wears on.

   Strip malls are the most promiscuous of all the malls

   I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.

   I don't think golfers are real atheletes. None of them have sleeve tats...

   happy fathers day dad, I hope you found that pack of cigarettes you left to get a long time ago

   I would wish my father a Happy Father's Day on Facebook but I blocked him

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   No Hulu, no ads are relevant to me, because I lack the funds to have any purchasing power whatsoever.