Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   It's hilarious how sensitive people get when you ignore them....ON FACEBOOK!

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   "We're losing her." -sanity

   i'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now

   I hate it when I am mistaken for someone who cares about your problem.

   tatoos must be expensive because everyone with them doesn't seem to have any money left...

   Attention nobodys...I'm not going to "follow" you on fb....unless you're Marilyn Monroe brought back to life.

   Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off.

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   All my updates this past weekend were super updates. I'm back to my regular updates now...

   It is what it is and that's all that it is...excet when it isn't, then it's not.

   A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished!

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

   Nik Wallenda just walked across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net. I made banana pudding whilst three sheets to the wind and didn't burn the kitchen down. Your move, Nik.

   Nick Wallenda would never fail a sobriety test.... WOW!!

   Facebook status from God: Sorry rest of World...junior and I can't help you right now...we are busy helping some loon cross the Grand Canyon on a piece of floss

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

   Hopefully the guy on the Skywire doesn't have to sneeze anytime soon.. Looks Dusty